Today I'm not in the mood, I can't help it. This afternoon I came back to my flat, which is empty and not only because my flatmates are out. I've begun to remember and taking stock of these last few weeks...
I remember when a couple of years ago, a friend of mine complained about how many times she'd been brokenhearted by her (at the most) one-month stands. She wondered why she hadn't found a guy who was worth it so they could have a serious relationship, she said she was tired of suffering like that... I told her I was kind of jealous of her, because precisely, she had never had a boyfriend to whom she had completely devoted herself, the kind of guy you cautiously introduce to your family after a long time dating because you're absolutely certain that it could last forever, you can't conceive your life going on without him...
But in the end, all those years or months, all those moments you believed to be so special and meaningful turn out false. Everything suddenly changes, hopes go down the drain, and on top of that, it always seems like the other person puts together his life faster and easier than you do. You wonder how he could forget you that quickly, what was the real meaning of all those things he told you and wrote with a blue Pilot pen, all blurry because of the tears.
I preferred those emotionless, meaningless one-night stands better than having this emotional baggage that's been piling up, failed relationship after failed relationship. I find it hard to be moved by anything without thinking a millisecond later that everything can end way before it is started, unexpectedly, I'm afraid of losing what I have now and deep down I know it's goint to happen sooner or later because, sadly, now I know feelings change and there's nothing we can do to avoid it.
This is not like Dracula's screenwriters made us believe. Six years and three failed relationships later, I've come to accept at last that it was all a beautiful lie.
But in the end, all those years or months, all those moments you believed to be so special and meaningful turn out false. Everything suddenly changes, hopes go down the drain, and on top of that, it always seems like the other person puts together his life faster and easier than you do. You wonder how he could forget you that quickly, what was the real meaning of all those things he told you and wrote with a blue Pilot pen, all blurry because of the tears.
I preferred those emotionless, meaningless one-night stands better than having this emotional baggage that's been piling up, failed relationship after failed relationship. I find it hard to be moved by anything without thinking a millisecond later that everything can end way before it is started, unexpectedly, I'm afraid of losing what I have now and deep down I know it's goint to happen sooner or later because, sadly, now I know feelings change and there's nothing we can do to avoid it.
This is not like Dracula's screenwriters made us believe. Six years and three failed relationships later, I've come to accept at last that it was all a beautiful lie.
"You'll learn to know,
you grow like tornado from the inside
Destroy everything through,
destroy from the inside..."
